The minute I stepped off the plane I felt the way I always felt here.. Inspired, motivated, and at home. I love the warm breeze and just the feel of being here. I got to see Gita and we went to bhajan practice and her house and chanted and did art. She’s one of the most creative people I know and the stuff she’s able to do with various plants around the yard is incredible! We went to the beach almost everyday and I never feel better than when I’m in the ocean. I love the feeling of the salty water around me. Its’ salty embrace. We found a fort in a tree. It consisted of a platform made of palm fronds and wood and a roof made of the same. It was magical and I loved being up in the trees. Gita and I sat there for hours admiring our crystals and rings and looking out over the sea. On New years my brother, Gita and I climbed up on her roof and watched the stars out in the makawao jungle. There stars in a row seemed to flash green, red, and white and it was lovely. We managed to squeeze into our car all the way to Hana! I’m shocked because my dad and Meghein had the front seats and paz’s car seat took up have the back yet Gita, Jeremiah and I made it work. The first night in Hana was my absolute favorite! The water was mermaid water and you could see the tropical mountains all around. It started raining and so I looked up floating in the sea feeling the sweet press of rain on my face. It was my favorite thing in the world.
It was so weird seeing Julia again! It’d felt like it’d been so long and the last time I saw her I never said bye. Everything manifested perfectly! When we got on the bus the bus driver said he wasn’t accepting money and gave me a free bus pass, everything we wanted just happened to go on sale that day and it was magical the way I’d suddenly found a ride there. It was different though and as much as I liked staying there I didn’t enjoy sleeping on the floor and I didn’t enjoy Milwaukee. I loved the days when we went into the city but being on the outskirts of portland and stuck in the suburbs was not the best. It was fun going ice skating however and driving to see all the colorfully decorated houses and out to eat. Everyone I met there was so different though. Julia told me that she’s seen as unique for doing art and the way she dresses which seemed so strange to me because I like how she dresses and the majority of the people I know do art.
I got a ride up to Portland with my uncle and it was great seeing him again and seeing my cousin Liam. He’s grown up so much and is so different from Paz. Paz is super shy but when we went out to eat with Liam he announced multiple times that he was Liam Brown and that he wanted chicken and fries to everyone in the restaurant. It was adorable. Once we reached Julia’s house he said how much he wanted to come have a sleepover with my friend and proceeded to run up and hug her shouting “I’m Liam Brown.” I wish we were allowed to see him more but things will work out for my aunt I suppose.
It’s been months now.. Those brief moments aren’t enough. They never were. God, I wish I wasn’t so bad at confrontation. I’m glad it happened now. I sent that letter and quite frankly never thought I’d hear a response. I stood shivering in the cold with your beautiful friends when she peered her head out. I panicked oh man. After we left our lovely little Atlas said, “Looks like you’ve got yourself a date with the devil” in her sarcastic, witty voice. I was scared. I thought those videos would be my only reminder of you. That I would watch them and watch them and think of your deep brown eyes. I wanted to make these moments last. We bring out our inner fire. Lioness. Tigress. We screamed the lyrics of those songs we’d sang so many times before. I close my eyes and I hear Cook’s voice. I see you wiping fries on your face. It was time. The room was warm. Thank god! And you were there. I love your mom, I love how I thought she was indian, I love how caring she was. I loved when you grabbed our hands and we stood in a circle talking about how we were a family. It was different than I thought it would be. IT WORKED IT WORKED. We must have disrupted everyone again. Oops, our screams are too jolly.. but tis the season.
Ugh I love your poetry. I hate knowing how you feel. You’re beautiful, wonderful! You don’t even try to be. You took my breath away when I first saw your picture with the american flag. Frolicking at night sounds lovely, skinny dipping at night sounds lovely. I’m trying so hard to help you but I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry about her, I’m sorry about him, I’m sorry that happened to you. None of it helps. I wish he wasn’t so closed off.. you need him but he can’t be there emotionally. It’s all dumb but I love you so much! I’m sorry I’m too close with her and it makes you jealous. I try to be inclusive, I really do! But I get distracted. I see how much it hurts you. I see how guarded you are. I often think you hate me, you’re so closed off, so cold. You’re so full of love though. I think you’re afraid to express it. You’ve expressed yourself to me though. We were warm in the covers of your twin bed, legs intertwined, spilling our souls. I can’t sleep, I doubt you can either. Oops we’ve done it again darling. Well at least I got you perfume… I’ll wrap it up for christmas
My head is a babbling brook